Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Korean Massage With An Unhappy Ending

**Parental Discretion Advised**

J/K... but seriously. This is gonna get personal.

This week has been filled with injuries and pain. At taekwondo on Thursday (June 10th), we started learning (loosely translated) wrist grabs and falls... which is completely fun. There's something hilarious about a 12 year old who's 1/2 your size being able to grab your wrist and flip you to the floor. After that lesson we had some time at the end, so our instructor started teaching cartwheels and round-offs because next week he wants to teach back handsprings. WIN FOR ME. You would think with my 9 year cheerleading and gymnastics background this would have been a piece of cake... you would think. After the first few round-offs... I pulled my hamstring. FAIL FOR ME. The rest of the practice was spent having a massage from my instructor, then a massage from a chiropractor/massage therapist, a trip to the pharmacy for some Korean "Icy Hot," then a trip for some acupuncture. I should mention that I hate needles... almost more than I hate spiders. The acupuncture ended up being pointless because I was extremely uncomfortable.

So Saturday (June 12th), my cousin and I decided to have a "spa day" to help heal my injuries and unwind from the week. We found a cute little massage parlor a few blocks from my apartment. They were all so friendly, told us the prices were cheap (18,000 for a neck and back, 30,000 for a full body and facial), gave us amazing tea and even more amazing "gowns" to lounge in:

^^ adorable right? haha.

After we changed into our... things, we were escorted into a large room where naked Korean women were just laying around on the tables. That should have been our first clue to peace out. I was a little mortified, but once I laid down and got my facial I was completely relaxed (please refrain from dirty jokes, I know it sounds bad). Suddenly, 2 more Korean women came over to my table and pulled my gown off... like, completely off. So here I am, completely naked with mud on my face, having 3 Korean women beating the fat off me. Literally, rubbing so hard I'm surprised I still have skin.

I never thought I would get a boob massage from 2 Korean women. Funny enough, that's not entirely the most awkward moment. They had me stand up, walk to another room (still completely naked with mud on my face), and lay on my stomach. Cue 2 Korean women giving me a butt massage while the 3rd scalped me with her devil hands. The back massage was nothing compared to how the rest of my body felt... until they brought out the large rock to rub all over me. Now you may be wondering, "why didn't she just say no or ouch?" Well I did, and they just laughed and said "Cellulite Cellulite!" Stupid language barrier.

^^My back 1 hour after my massage. Now picture bruises like this all over my body. Oh, and remember that time I was told the full body was only going to be 30,000? Funny thing... it was actually 80,000 and the neck and back was 30,000.

Needless to say I wasn't feeling very relaxed after my massage. But the bruises and swelling are healing quickly, the soreness isn't nearly as excruciating as it was after the first day, it distracted me from the pain in my leg, and certainly gave me a hilarious memory.


  1. Hilarious entry. Love the "injury and pain" theme. I can't think of anything funny to write cause you stole all of the euphemistic expressions and awkwardness thunder. Leave some for me next time!

  2. I'm laughing on the inside. Mental note for you...no Korean massage for me when we come for a visit. Your dad however can't wait for his.

  3. lol that is the best thing I have read all day!!! Do you not remeber the compassionate asian lady when we went to get our nails done and you decided to get your eyebrows waxed??? "Next time you no wait so long..." I think next time you want any relaxing/ beauty treatments done you should find a very american spa... asians dont tend to be the most compassionate people lol

  4. THis blog needs an update and more Photos!

  5. there is a scene from the movie long way round where Ewin Mcgregor is traveling on motorcycle around the world. While in Kazakstan he gets a massage that sounds nearly like this, the image burned in my head is of two really large kazaks in loin cloths beating the shit of a near naked and moaning from the pain, Ewin Mcgregor. Where do people come up with these relaxation solutions?